I Miss You
by Black.Hearted.Bitch2992
Summary: Story kind of speaks for itself. Jasper moved away and Bella writes to let him know that she misses him. Rated M for use of curse words. Not good at summaries, but I'm sure the story is better than the summary. But you gotta read to find out. Lol!


_Jasper,_

_I know we didn't see each other much while you lived down here. But knowing there's not even the possibility of running into town, and being able to see you makes me miss you that much more._

_But what I miss the most right now, is the friendship or what I thought was a developing friendship between us. I miss having you to text with and talk to about things, that I can't speak to my family about. I once said in one of our words games that you had become someone that I had come to count on to talk to, and that I wasn't happy about it. Can't quite remember the reasons why I didn't like it, but this, this right here, the way you have been ignoring me for the past two and a half weeks is the major reason why. But, even though I'm kind of used to it, it still hurts._

_I'm sorry that if my decision to go see you when you mentioned it on 6/15, is what ruined the friendship we had. And even though there is no communication between us now, I don't and never will regret any time I spend/spent with you. I once read a quote, it said, "never regret anything you've done, because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted." But, what we've done, has never been just my decision alone, you were there also, you helped set it up to!_

_I think you know that I'll never turn my back on you. I'll never completely shut you out of my life. I'll always be here for you in whatever way I can. And I think I've proved that, by the whole wreck situation. I wish so bad the car would've been totaled that day. Because since that day I've lost so much. I've lost the right to drive my car. He is trying to sell it. He won't let me drive it at all. I've lost all freedom. Unless I have money of my own, I have to sit at home not able to go anywhere. I don't have my phone on any more. The last payment he made was in April. So now I have to find a job so I can pay three months of phone bills, so I can get my phone back on. I hardly ever get to even go do the grocery shopping any more. He has even taken over that to. So see, I lost so much more than the $500.00 deductible. It may sound like all I care about is the money but that's not now nor has it ever been true._

_What bothers me most, and I'm sorry for saying this but I don't know what else to think, because you're doing a perfectly good job of acting as if I don't exist to you, but then again maybe I don't anymore. But any ways, what's upsetting, is how when I told you the deal about the car, and him wanting to sell it. You mentioned wrecking it, so you could get money then hook me up, or whatever. I never done this because I wanted money. I done it to help you. But it was recently that I realized I was just helping you get money to move away. But like you've said before, you're a grown ass man that can do what he wants. You know even though I didn't like the thought of you moving, if you would've said that's what you needed the money for, I would've still helped you._

_You know, sometimes I watch people and the way they behave. They way they are friends with someone one minute then hate them the next, but a little while later they are friends again. It is not just friendships, its relationships to. With some of the relationships, I wonder, why do people keep letting the people who hurt them back into their lives? But, tonight, I finally realized, that even though these people have been hurt by the person they care about, they care deeply about them, and are always willing to be there with open arms, even though they know they'll probably get hurt again. Then, I realized, that's the way I've been with you! No matter how much it hurts when you ignore me, or when you only want something to do with me when no one else is around for you, I've always been there with those open arms for you to come back. But, Jasper, how long would you keep subjecting yourself to that kind of hurt by someone you care a lot about, how long would you keep being there for someone to just come back to at their convenience? Especially when you have previously let that person know you care deeply for them? I ask because I don't know what to do. I don't want you to be out of my life, but, I don't like only having your friendship when it is convenient for you. I mean I've come to expect to only be able to see you when it's convenient, and when there seems to be no one else for you to see. Expecting it, doesn't make it any less painful though._

_Now, you're probably reading this wondering why the fuck is she hurting because of me. Well, those feelings I had for you before, well they haven't gone away. I am torn between wanting the feelings to go away, and wanting them to stay. I want them to go because it seems at most times that you care nothing for me. Except, when it's convenient for you to see me to get laid. I have come to find out that caring for someone who doesn't care for you leads to nothing good, at all. I want them to stay because, a very foolish part of me keeps hoping that you will eventually see that I really do care a lot about you. I want them to stay because the very stupid part of me that misreads everything, feels that deep down you might actually care some. Like the way you held me that night at your moms. But, again that very stupid misreading part of me feels that, that's supposedly the only time/way you'll let it be known that there may be feelings there on your side to. And if they are there, you don't want to admit them or voice them because you're scared of being hurt. And I so completely understand that. I'm scared every time I go see you. I'm always wondering, is this the last time I'll ever get to see him, is this the last time I get to hear his voice or feel the comfort of his embrace. I'm scared that me saying yes to seeing you is going to make you hate me. If you don't already. But I still go, because I would rather say yes to seeing you and take my chances at all the things I'm scared of, than to not be able to see you at all._

_And yes, I still remember the reply that you sent the last time I told you how I feel for you. Let's see, it went something like," we met on a sexual basis only and you took things to a whole nother level. I never lead you on". Sound about right? I also remember your words from the online argument we had, "to be honest, I would never have anything serious with you. Because you're married and fucking me". I can understand why you feel that way. But what you don't understand is that I never wanted to be in the position to know you. I never wanted to know any of the guys I've met over the past two years. But most of all, I never wanted to fall for you. But I did. And when I did it fucking hurt like hell when my face slammed into the floor. It hurts to fall for someone who doesn't catch you._

_I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm not perfect. Yes, I at the very short time being am still married. But you're not here to be able to see how miserable I am. Or how I am constantly looking for a job, only to be rejected because of no experience. You're not talking to me for me to be able to talk to about how I'm at my brothers house this week babysitting because he and his wife are out of state, and I am not missing being at home at all. I can't talk to you about how, I don't even want to go home when they get back. But I have to because I have nowhere else to go or no job or money to take care of me or whatever kids might want to go with me. And I can't stay here when they get back because my mom is living here with them. So as much as I want to leave, I can't yet. You also don't know about how I'm constantly being threatened, by him saying that if things don't change then he's going to start the divorce shit. And how he's ready to go our separate ways. I kind of wish he would do that stuff. But what scares me is that if he does it before I can get some money put back, then he might try to take the kids away from me. But you know what these are my problems. I'm trying so hard to do what I can to get myself situated so I can leave._

_Hopefully I haven't pissed you off. Even though sometimes it seems I can do that easy with just a few words. I didn't write this to hurt you. I wrote this to let you know that I miss you. I just don't know if it matters to you._

_If you decide to continue to have nothing to do with me after reading this, then I guess things will remain as they are. Me always thinking of you, and you never thinking of me. But please just be happy. Just know if you ever feel like no one cares, you're wrong, because I do!_

_ Bella_

**_Authors Note:_**

****_I am looking for a beta. I have messaged one and am waiting to hear back from them. For anyone who reads this, if you liked this and want me to continue I will. Just review with your thoughts!_


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